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Another strange dream. I had forgotten some people in my life. When I was younger my next door neighbor had family that would come over to visit every once in a while. Since I had the biggest yard everyone in the neighborhood played in it. I remember that there were a couple of the relatives that I had a tiny crush on. They never noticed me even when we played football in the yard with the other neighbor kids. I can't remember their names now or even what they look like. I do remember breaking my collarbone while we played football once. I didn't stop playing just played right through the pain. It was horribly bruised and since I was so sickly skinny we could all see the bone was no longer aligned. Still they paid no never mind to me.

I never went to the hospital. At the time I didn't have a stable home life or anyone who cared. I can't believe I forgot about them. I am still trying to regain bits and pieces that have been erased over the years. I've survived through so much traumatic experiences that it is hard to sift through the ruins.

One of my defense mechanisms was to just erase something completely from my mind. Every once in a while I wrote it in a story. Writing has always been a coping mechanism for me. No one knows I've put something true in them. I'll never tell what's true because that part of my scarred heart deserves the shadows of the unknown.

I've spent my entire life shutting down, lying to the world of what I'm capable of, and burning bridges to anyone who has ever gotten remotely close to me. Part of me still doesn't trust anything. Part of me still hates the naive part of me that led me to bad situations.

I remember the scars on my body and who gave them to me. Partly because I still have nightmares about it. Those are the only pieces of the puzzle I can't seem to erase.

Especially the deeper scars like on my stomach. Every time it rains my scars burn and I have nightmares. I still see her face while she leaned over me jabbing me over and over again with the knife. I still smell her sickly sweet cotton candy body spray she used to wear all of the time. She had drugged my food because she wanted my boyfriend at the time. Little did she know at the time she could have just had him. He wasn't a good person and I wanted out of the relationship. Then she laughed because I was losing consciousness and she thought she had killed me. She pushed me into a storm drain and left. It was cold and raining which didn't help things. But I survived. I moved away. Changed my appearance. Started over. Then she was in a bad car accident and lost her memory. She no longer knew her own name let alone me. My boyfriend at the time dumped her in a special needs house somewhere in Arkansas I think. No matter how I try it's one thing I can't forget. I hate the fact she can and never has to face what she's done.

I wonder what triggered the memory of those people.

I want to believe that I won't get hurt in a relationship. It's hard to trust anyone. Life has made sure I've never dropped my guard. Even today twinges of doubt cloud my mind. I'm trying to be a better, stronger person. How do I get over my extreme mistrust of everyone especially in my day to day relationships with my family and mr A? How do I be a better person with the darkness of my soul keeps rearing its ugly head?

It was a dream I forgot about. A friend who has remained close to me after all these years is in it. Or at least I think he is. I never see the face. He cuts his hand just a little and drips blood over a beige like candle that has a feather of some sort of bird wrapped around it with a leather cord. I don't hear what he is saying and I don't know what the spell is for. I watch as his blood makes the lit candle smoke. I feel disconnected from my physical body just for a few seconds. Then he blows out the candle and the smoke surrounds me. I wake up before anything else has happened in the dream. Tonight I felt that same weird disjointed feeling while I was watching queen of the damned. When the song forsaken comes on and I instantly remembered that dream from year's ago. I still to this day have no idea what the spell was to be for. I remember after having it the first time I spent months searching through every book I have. I never turned up anything close to it. Why did it pop into my head tonight? Why at that part that I have watched a million times? I thought about asking my friend about it again to see if he remembers me telling him about it. He is so busy he probably wouldn't see the message til a year later. I don't have a more direct way of communicating with him.

It means something, I know it does.

Something feels wrong. A year ago my health was ok. Today it's not but every doctor has called me a medical marvel. My body is healing itself. It just doesn't feel right. I'm not saying I want to be in bad health. I just want things to make more sense.

I remember in high school people were drawn to me for protection. I guess it was because by the time I had reached highschool I had already been fighting. My entire life was filled with fighting in some shape or form. I wasn't afraid of anything or anybody. Still that way. But people treated me differently and cruelly because of who I was. So called friends only would seek me out to ask me questions about shit they couldn't explain. Like I had all the answers. In order to not feel stupid I studied everything. I should have died 13 times already.

I am not really suicidal anymore I just think no one cherish the memory of me. No one would miss me. But that is what happens when you have been stuck in a certain mindset your entire life. The more I struggled with my identity, my uniqueness the more darkness overcame me.

After everything, I still have no idea as to why I'm so different. Sure being different is great. I love being unique but this has always been a battle I keep losing. Why am I able to do what I can? Why am I a medical marvel?

I guess it's all questions for another day I suppose. I could go down the rabbit hole once more to find some sort of answer. I've exhausted every beginning I could think of. My biological family were nothing like me in anyway down to my eye color. I wish there was someone who could shed some light in this maze of questions.